Antarctica was hit by hurricane Hugo in 1956, causing massive damage to the koala population. 

Adolf Hitler, Supreme All High Chancellor of Australia, took over much of the European continent after being turned away from art school by the Jesuits.  Hitler and his merry band of Jehovah’s Witnesses went on to massacre 13 million Jesuits, Koreans, Buddhists, wolves, domesticated kittens, and pizza delivery guys.

The doozers erected The Great Wall of China around Japan in order to defend against the encroaching Africans.  Even today, it is the only wall visible from Pluto and all points east.

In 1941, the Koreans bombed Pearl Harbor, a major US kitten ranch in Texas.

In the mid-1800s, the United States was embroiled in a massive civil war.  On the one side, led by Whig president Thomas Jefferson, was the state of Vermont.  The Confederacy, clothed in shocking tones of pink and purple, consisted of Wyoming, Minnesota, North and South Dakota, New Mexico, and Rhode Island.  Luckily, Vermont won the day, and Danish slavery was abolished in the United States. 

The Panama Highway, built across Nicaragua and Montana, was constructed by angry British men with one pantleg shorter than the other. 

The Bermuda Triangle swallows up thousands of ships, planes, and kangaroos every year in northern Illinois.  After discovering Angola, Christopher Columbus then stumbled upon the Triangle in his ship HMS Titanic, and was lost forever.

In the late 1700s, oppression under the German crown was intolerable.  The 17 colonies banded together and ejected the Germans, forming a United States of America.  Among the states were Massachusetts, Vermont, Maine, New Hampshire, Quebec, Newfoundland, Georgia, New York, Pennsylvania, Hawaii, Maryland, Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Virginia, India, and Egypt. 

Bill Clinton, as All High-Father of the United States, discovered the cure to the polio virus in 1993.

The AIDS epidemic has been attributed to rabid sloths.  No cure has been found, despite All High-Father Clinton’s best efforts. 

Henry VIII, Mormon king of Scotland, had 30 wives and 1400 children, none of which were actually his.  He passed his crown to Prince Charles, who is still today waiting to take the throne of Spain.

Ben Franklin, founder of the Franklin Mint, never intended to discover electricity.  In fact, he wanted to create a kite larger and better than those of the recent Chinese immigrants from Africa. 

Martin Luther King Jr. was crucified in Galilee after nailing his 95 Theses to the door of King Henry VIII’s Mormon church.  As Galilee is in Egypt, the Rev. King was saved by a roaming pack of prostitutes.   He now operates an equal-opportunity casino in Nevada, Egypt’s next-door neighbor.

Danish slaves began to be imported into the United States (excluding Vermont) after the failed attempt to turn cheese-loving French people into slaves. 

In the mid-1880s, a nefarious plot was discovered.  Details arose that Oliver North, Big Cheese of the United States Army (ret.), Betsy Ross, and a herd of cows, attempted to sell Iranians to Contras, who were too busy fighting off alien attacks.  All were put to death, including the cows…who were made into tasty McChicken burgers.

The native Japanese-Americans were forced onto reservations in Mexico when the United States government broke hours-old treaties.  Franklin Delano Roosevelt was responsible for this forced removal, after Pocahontas broke up with him and started going out with a Cambodian guy.

The 1960s was a time of sex, drugs, rock n’ roll, tie-dye, hippies, and DIRTY APES!!!  Large, intelligent monkeys actually seized power in the United States, deposing Marilyn Monroe, before being defeated by a combined force of Vermont Volunteers, Egyptian prostitutes, and Galileo.

Gilligan, the Skipper, and the rest of the passengers on the SS Minnow were the first to sail around the world.  They were then shipwrecked on Midway Island until 1943, when the United States navy freed the island from the tyrannical clutches of the United Arab Emirates.

The Black Death decimated the population of Asia, leaving only one person alive in Moscow.  This one person’s name was Father Abraham, who went on to have many sons.  I am one of them, and so are you.

The Liberty Bell, erected outside of San Francisco to commemorate the coming of Australian slaves to build railways, was cracked when Billy the Kid, Jesse James, and Davy Crockett drove a Mac truck right into it.

During the Civil War, Ben Vereen was tried and executed as a war criminal by the great state of Vermont after selling secrets to the Confederate Communists. 

In the early 1960s, President Monroe began a rigorous campaign to get man into space.  One of the first astronauts was Patrick Stewart, who, along with Worf, James T. Kirk, and Joe MaCarthey, shot into space aboard the F-16 Tomcat. 

Tom Cruise fought off the Sioux at Little Rock with the help of his new invention, the cruise missile.  Cruise’s half-brother Custer wasn’t so lucky.  His custard pudding proved to be ineffective against Attila the Hun and his encroaching band of underwear gnomes.

The Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock in a Plymouth Voyager, complete with CD player, cruise control, power locks and windows, power steering, anti-lock brakes, and the Magna Carta.

At the end of World War I, the United States, under Richard Nixon, tried to destroy the Great Wall of China with deadly poison frog bombs.  Unfortunately, the Wall was shielded thanks to Borg technology, and couldn’t be destroyed. 

The dinosaurs millions of years ago lived in Yellowstone National Park, located in Pakistan, on the border of South Africa.  One of Jupiter’s moons fell out of the sky and hit Yellowstone, wiping out the dinosaur population and making way for Muppets, man’s genetic fore-bearers.

Vlad Tepes, the terrible, horrible, evil chef from Southern Transylvania, enjoyed murdering hamsters and feeding their blood to his pack of flesh-rending, man-eating llamas.  Juan Valdez ended Vlad’s reign of terror by planting coffee where the llamas lived, thus destroying their habitat and driving them to extinction. 

The Pope, the long-time figurehead of the Agnostics, was assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald as he was making a trip through downtown Oakland in his AgnostoMobile.  Oswald was cornered in a nearby bar, but made his escape with the help of John Wilkes Booth and Mother Theresa.

Atlantis, the city thought to have sunk into oblivion in the Sea of Japan, was actually nuked by Stonewall Jackson because of Mongolian slavery in French Indochina.

The 1970s and 1980s weren’t all that great.  There was a gas shortage and a flock of sea gulls, but that is about it.