If a situation requires undivided attention, it will occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction.    ~Hutchison’s Law

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time.  I think I have forgotten this before.    ~Steven Wright

One of the major functions of the skin is to keep people who look at you from throwing up.    ~Actual Exam Answer

I had a lovely evening.  Unfortunately, this wasn’t it.    ~Groucho Marx

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

I know Kung Fu, Karate, and 47 other dangerous words.    ~Jo Ramos

Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person?    ~La Rochefoucauld

My opinions have changed, but not the fact that I am right.    ~Ashleigh Brilliant

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.    ~A. Whitney Brown

All my life I wanted to be somebody.  No I see I should have been more specific.    ~Jane Wagner

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.    ~Franklin P. Jones

It's not so much what you're doing that I mind, but the idiotic way in which you are doing it.

Ants can carry twenty times their weight, which is useful information if you're moving out and you need help getting a potato chip across town.  ~Ron Darian

People demand the freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.  ~Soren Aabye Kierkegaard

I would have made a good pope.  ~Richard Nixon

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.  ~Voltaire

No sane man will dance.  ~Cicero

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.  ~Wilson Mizner

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.  ~Redd Fox