Dr. Sigmund Freud once asked, "What
do women want?"
My answer? Hell, I don't know. I'm not a
normal woman--but I do know what I want, and it's bizarre. You have no
idea just how bizarre I am. I am so bizarre that most people think I should be
locked up.
What do I want? Not sex. Let me
say it again. I do not want sex. I have absolutely no desire for it whatsoever.
Now, some of you may be scratching your heads, saying, "What the hell is
wrong with this girl? Was she abused? Is she chemically imbalanced? Maybe she's
a lesbian but doesn't know it yet."
And some of you players are saying,
"This chick just hasn't been with me yet. I can change her mind."
Boys and girls, the answer is NO to all
of the above. Actually, I might be chemically imbalanced, but I see no cause
for alarm. Homosexuals are "chemically imbalanced," and no one tries
to medicate them. We chalk homosexuality up to heredity, or a genetic hiccup or
whatever, but when someone says he is not interested in sex at all, an
otherwise sensible person suggests that he see a therapist.
It's
not necessary. Here's what it's all about:
1. Nonsexual, antisexual, asexual,
celibate--these are all terms for what I am, though they have different
connotations. Antisexual suggests that I think no one should have sex,
which is not the case. If you're prepared to suffer the consequences, who am I
to stop you? Asexual makes one sound like an amoeba, but my
gynecologist says I am most definitely female. Celibate has religious
connotations, suggesting that I'm making some kind of conscious effort to stay
"pure." Nope. I'm making no effort; this is just how I am. I prefer nonsexual;
I'm just not interested.
2. Just because I don't want to have sex
doesn't mean I can't or won't love someone. I can love, and I have loved. I
even have the capacity to become psychotically possessive. Just ask my male
friends! I just prefer emotional intimacy to the physical. The difference
between heterosexual love and nonsexual love is that if a nonsexual loves you,
you know that his love is real, and he's not playing the mating game. I would
love to meet a sweet guy with a nonexistent sex drive with whom I could spend
the rest of my life.
3. Being nonsexual does not in any way
make me pure. These are two completely different things. To make up for all the
stuff I do not do, I have developed one of the dirtiest minds in the free
world, and I have seen and heard a lot. I learned more from being in my high
school and college bands than I ever did in health class. Also, I'm good for
advice. My breeder friends ask me for relationship advice because I can see
things without insane amounts of estrogen blocking my senses.
4. I don't want to convert you. Nonsexuality
is biological; celibacy is not for everyone. I realize this, though I do wish
people would at least wait until they are in love. Enough said.
5. I am not ugly or weird. Many sweet,
wonderful guys have had crushes on me, and I have had crushes on them, but it
just doesn't work. Why? I am not like them, and they, even the good ones, can't
imagine a life without sex and/or children, neither of which I want. Sorry,
guys. I love you all, but . . . you know.
6. I was never abused by my parents or
anyone else. My parents were a bit overprotective, but I'm an only child. What
do you expect? It may have played a small role in my nonsexuality, but I am not
mentally scarred because of it. If I thought I had a serious problem, I would
see a shrink, but I am fine just the way I am, thank you very much.
7. Why am I fine? I don't have to worry
about pregnancy, STD's or jealous wives and girlfriends, and I don't have to
answer such probing questions as:
"Am I pregnant?"
"Does he really love me?"
"Should I spit or swallow?"
"Where are my pants?"
"Who will sleep in the wet spot?"
"What will my gynecologist say about this rash?"
"Where did we put the key to this bondage gear?"
"How soon will my parents/roommate/sibling/significant other be
home?"
"Where will we hide the gerbils when my
parents/roommate/sibling/significant other gets home?"
I still enjoy looking at and flirting
with attractive people. I just don't have to worry about this stuff.
I will admit, however, that there are
some drawbacks to nonsexuality. It's a pain in the butt to be the only single
person in my sea of paired-up friends. When I call one of them on a Saturday
night he says, "Sorry. (Circle one: Doug/Nicole/Amber/Pat/this person I
met at the party last weekend) and I already have plans. Stay home and watch TV
while we go out and do couple stuff."
When I do get to go out with them, I feel
like a third wheel.
Another thing that makes me think I'm on
the right track is the way I hear people talk about their relationships. Sex is
the first thing on all their minds. Something very much like this conversation
actually took place not so long ago:
Person
A: I'm seeing the most wonderful person! He's beautiful, intelligent, sweet and
kind, and my parents love him!
Person B: Have you had sex yet?
Person A: Not yet.
Person B: Oh.
It's sad, really. These people are
perfectly intelligent in every other respect, but somehow they, like everybody
else, are blind when it comes to romantic relationships. I just don't get it.
We talk about a sex "drive" as though sex, like food, water, clothing
and shelter, is necessary for us to be healthy and happy. I have never heard of
anyone who died of or was miserable simply because of sex deprivation. Not
thinking about getting laid must free up a few cubic centimeters of brain
space. Do I get bored? Not a chance. Feeling pressured and not sure how to
handle it? Here are things to do in lieu of sex if:
1. You're
lonely. Okay, so you're lonely. Get some friends together and go to a movie,
order a pizza, or invent new mixed drinks.
2. You're horny. It happens to nearly everyone at some point. Hold your right
hand (or your left, if you're left-handed) up in front of your face. Wave it.
Say hi to Rosie Palm and her five daughters. They will not give you a disease
or help you bring children into the world.
3. You want to do something "exciting" or "new." Sneak up
to The Ridges and scare yourself silly. Find a new nook or cranny to hide in.
Close your eyes and spin around until you fall down. Change your hair color.
Wear a weird hat or a pair of wings to your favorite bar. Go to the movies by
yourself. Write a story, poem or song, and perform it for someone.
4. You want to rebel. Get something pierced or tattooed, dye your hair a weird
color, or wear shiny pants to Grandma's Thanksgiving dinner.
5. Everybody else is doing it, and you feel left out. Do you really think
you're any less cool just because you can't get laid? Even the lowliest nerd
can "get some" if he has the right attitude, because there will
always be someone out there just as desperate. There is a fine art, however, to
getting through college without getting some. Why be like everybody else? If
you don't want to or don't feel like it, then DON'T.
6. You feel stupid. For God's sake, read a book. It's a fact that reading can
make you smarter.
7. You want a family. Okay, that's a legitimate reason. Go for it. Just don't
ask ME to baby-sit the little monsters.
What do I want? I want everyone to know
that I'm out, and I'm proud. I want a support group, a special week and a
colored ribbon. Most of all, though, I just want everyone to be aware that
nonsexuals do exist, and that we are no less attractive, mature, educated or
cool than the rest of you. We are everywhere. Come out; come out, wherever you
are!
Questions? Comments? E-mail the author!
November 13, 2000