Letters to the Editor

I'd love to hear your comments on this page, your life with sporks, or anything else you'd like to tell me. Selected messages may appear here. Just click on the little man in the envelope!

You might also be able to catch me on ICQ: 4876613

Printed below are a few of the more "interesting" e-mail's I've received, along with my reply. Names/addresses are omitted, but if you see your message here and you don't want it to be posted, lemme know, I'll yank it! ---Justin

December 5th, 1998

I would like to commend you on your spectacular web page. I feel quite enlightened after reading it. You have inspired me to go on a quest. A quest to bring the joy of sporkdom to my school, nay, the world! But anyway, I think I will start with my school.
You see, at my school, we are given the lowest form of utensil known to man. The mere plastic fork. Even if we have soup, or any of a number of other foods that require non-fork utensils, we still get only forks. Our school is too cheap to buy us more than one piece of plastic silverware per day, so I have the perfect solution. I am going to petition my school to introduce sporks instead. I am asking for your suggestions. This may seem unimportant to you
now, but just know that because of you, my high school's 2000 students may soon be exposed to the many marvels of sporks! I now deem you among the greatest of Elite Sporkdom.
On a more disturbing note, it has recently come to my attention that none of the Taco Bells in my area have sporks anymore. It is a sad day to behold, let me assure you. Could I ask you, as one of the Elders of the League of Elite Sporkdom, to help disseminate the news that people should avoid this desolate wasteland completely devoid of sporks? (I live in Southwest Florida) I shall go forth now, and sing the many praises of Sporkism! But first, I'd like to ask you something. What about Pez? Surely a man of your stature in the spork kingdom must feel a need to diversify. I think Pez is the natural choice for you, my friend. It is, as an old Pez advertisement says, "A treat to eat, in a dispenser that's neat". What more needs to be said? Pez is the ultimate in spiffiness. I hope you will soon see the wonders of Pez also. Good luck.
---P.B.

P.B.,

I'm truely sorry to hear about the plight at your school regarding the lack of suitable eating utensils for your food! I think the inadequacies of the plastic fork should be reason enough to get your school cafeteria to convert over when presented with the wonderful versatility that Sporks provide. If you need additional reasons, I'll refer you to the April 14th letter by R to me in my letters to the editor section. I gave a top 10 reasons to get sporks in that letter. I'm not sure what to do about the Taco Bells in your area! Perhaps a massive letter writing campaign is in order!

I used to be very involved in Pez as well as sporks (and Altoids, the Curiously Strong Peppermint, for that matter). A long time ago, there was a part of my homepage titled "Rituals" that described some of the rituals I engaged in on a routine basis. One of these included Pez Stimulants prior to athletic events or examinations. It got me through much in high school. ---Justin

October 23rd, 1998

You might like this story from me, an ou allumn or however you spell
that. i took a year off of school and lived in wyoming where i did a lot
of hiking. One time after hiking 18 miles, yes thats a lot, we sat down
to eat and relized that we had no utensils. we started carving a spoon
out of pine but it didn't work for noodles, so we finished carving it
into a SPORK. The local bear was a bit hungry and smelled our precsence.
All our food and waste was tied in a tree to keep critters from getting
in to but the spork became our friend so it slept with us. Anyway, the
bear wanted to lick the spork clean, or use it to eat us with it so he
woke us by scraping at our tent. (the rest of this story is
embelished). Without thinking of his own saftey my friend yelled while
jabbing the spork out of the door. A few loud groans later the bear left
us alone. That is the only time I ever engaged in a threesome with a
spork.
---K.S.

K.S.,

Good to hear from an OU Allumn! Your story is indeed an inspiring one, even if embelished a wee bit! Next time I'm backpacking (yes I do), I'll make sure to spend my evenings carving pine-sporks so I'll have a weapon against bear attacks!! :) ---Justin

September 16th, 1998

I think that your page is just neat-o it is even spiffy I like sporks alot
my friends and I won an award 4 our spork art. at skool i am in the
process of making a web page called punkslut's spork art i will send the
address in a future letter and anyone who would like to submit their art
photographs and poems or essays on SPORKS!!! is welcome and is greatly
blessed by the almighty spork god.
---A.

A.,

Congrats on your spork art awards! I'm not really the artistic type (see sketches of sporks), but I love to hear about people winning things because of their love of sporks! Be sure to drop off the address when your page is up.
---Justin

September 6th, 1998

Dear Justin,

R. here, S. R.. You might not remember me, but I am the kid with the spork petition at my school. I haven't written you for a long time (since before June), but I stopped coming to your page after you took the funnies out, and today I decided to come back, only to find out that you added the funnies again.
    Well, the Spork petition never got sent to the principal, but this year (for some odd reason that I have nothing to do with), there are sporks! And they're very easily fooned, except they don't spack. So that was really cool.
    Also, when you wrote on your page that you have a funnies page, you mentioned a thank you to "R". I totally freaked out. I cannot believe that MY name is on a nationally famous website. Thank you so much. I have to tell all of my friends that the funnies are back.
    ...Okay, I just checked the rest of your site and saw my letter in your "Letters to the editor. My E-mail on my favirite website! This is so cool!!!!
    I see that you added a few funnies. I also read your anatomy of a spork page. If you send me your regular address (As if you still know that), I can send you my school sporks.
    Your site is my favorite sites, and I believe it's in one of the Top 1000. Can you tell me how to create a good site that doesn't start with [www.geocities]. I really want to make a site, and I'm only 13.
                                                  ---S.R.

S.R.,

Wow, that's quite a message! I'm glad to see you're still coming to the page, despite the lack of work that I've put into it lately. As far as how to make a good site.. I use Microsoft FrontPage, which (as much as it pains me to say it) is an excellent product. I would highly recommend using it if you're just starting out. I know a fair bit of HTML, but once you start using frames or tables extensively, working in straight-up HTML (in notepad, for instance) can be exhausting. The nice thing about FrontPage (one of the nice things) is you can always get back to the raw HTML with one click (and, for the matter, return to the "Normal" editor with one more click). Beyond that, it's all up to you to figure out something to say. :) See ya!
---Justin

September 2nd, 1998

Dear Justin,

I have a restaurant and think that eating with a spork is the most perfect
thing in the world. Unfortunatly, I can find sporks only in plastic form and
would very much like to find one in stainless steel.

You seem to know loads about sporks. Help!!!!!!!!!!!
---S.

S.,

The search for the stainless steel fork has been a long and tedious one, and so far has proved fruitless. The only find I've had was some dude in California who makes his own with a pair of tin snips -- certainly not something I'd want to stick in my mouth!!! I'd be very interested to hear if you ever find anything!!!
---Justin

August 29th, 1998

Dear Justin,

Hey Justin nice to meet you I am N :o) Recently I have become obsessed
with the almighty SPORK. I have a band called SPORK and I have pictures of
SPORKS all over my room. I was wondering If you kneew where I could get a
SPORK T-shirt ?????? Please E-Mail me if you can get info for me on a good
spork T-shirt. If you find anything please E-mail me.

PS I love your webpage you are the ultimate SPORK master!!!!
---N.

N.,

A while back, the dude over at http://www.spork.org was offering them. I'm not sure if it was for real or not, but last I looked (probably 6 months ago!) he was taking orders.
---Justin

August 26th, 1998

Dear Justin,

I just wanted to tell you your web page was hysterical! Me and my
husband just had a discussion about sporks not to long ago when we were
having a family meal of KFC. They bring back memories of Jr. high school
Cafeterias for myself!
My daughter did not like the spork as a eating utensil however, she
decided to use it to groom her barbies hair and poke her little brother
in the back with it! Just want to share that with you!
Keep up the good work! The world needs more info about sporks!!!
---K.B.

K.B.,

Glad to hear you enjoyed the page. I think your daughter perfectly illustrates that the spork is *not* just an eating utensil, but has almost limitless functions!
---Justin

August 24th, 1998

Dear Justin,

hey, i just wanted to tell you that i frequently make my own sporks, and that
recently, i was in disney world, and i tried to make a spork out of one of
their spoons, and the spoon shattered, flinging shrapnel that nearly put out
my eye. i think that it would be a very noble public service to mention this
to people.
---A.

A.,

I'm glad to hear you're doing your best to live in a world filled with sporks, even if they must be constructed manually! Glad to hear you weren't injured in service. I'll post your note in my letters to the editor section to warn anyone -- "If you're going to make your own spork, use eye protection!"
---Justin

August 21th, 1998

Dear Justin,

You, sir, are a bloody loon. It's good to meet a kindred spirit once in a while.You sound like a cool guy (dispite an unhealthy obsesion with Dr. Pepper) and I was wondering if we might have any common interests.
(Eegad! someone writing a friendly letter BECAUSE you're wierd?!) I do amtgard, R.P.G.'s, startrek, philosophy, and like sci-fi movies and comedies. I have a lot of free time on my hands, acess to my grandparents' computer, a 1-foot scar across my stomach from a car wreck (I'm not kidding) and a nurvous twich from school (I'm kidding). I'm a Red Dwarf fan, a M.S.T.3.K. fan, and a Hichicker's guide to the galxy fan. I also like Monty Python.NI!
---R.K.

R.K.,

Well, I used to be involved in an RPG here on campus.. Two in fact: RIFTS and Changeling. RIFTS was a good way to start RPGing, and the changeling campaign was really cool. I'm not all that into it, but it's a fun way to hang out with friends and have a good time.

I like star trek, but still believe that star wars is far superior. As far as movies go, I'm big into anything that has a good story and/or has clevor dialogue...not much into slapstick. MST3k, Monty Python, and Douglas Adams *certainly* fall into that category.
---Justin

July 25th, 1998

Dear Justin,

Ok, you now have a major fan. What a sick warped little person you are. I
totally respect that. Anyway, I dont know if the webpage thing automatically
sent this. So, place to get sporks: Inpatient Mental health Hospitals (where
they dont allow residents to have access to sharp instruments). BTW, ...I was
a Therapist. ---D.M.

D.M.,

I'm glad to hear you were a therapist! From what most of my "friends" tell me, I'd probably be a good idea for me to entrust my wellbeing to the wonderful professionals like yourself who help the "special" people through their difficult times! ---Justin

July 5th, 1998

Dear Justin,

I first saw your webpage probably about a year ago. It was quite
different then. Since the last time I went to it you have taken off all
of your jokes, which I really liked!! Do you think you could put them
back up? I thought your page was one of the funniest pages I'd ever been
to ---A.R.

A.R.,
Due to popular demand, the funnies are back up at their own location!
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Ithaca/6285
You actually were probably the deciding factor... People've been pestering me for months to get this page back up. So, I went ahead and did it.. :) Ask and ye shall receive..
---Justin

June 19th, 1998

Dear Justin,

What a fantastic imagination.....
I laughed and laughed...
Is really funny...
---A.

A.,

Thanks for the high praise! Stay tuned...I'm planning an update to that page soon...the Anatomy of a Spork! Halfway done right now! ---Justin

May 31st, 1998

Dear Justin,

Put the funnies back in. Or at least write somewhere on your page that
you can E-mail "You"(God) for them( By the way,, if it's not out of your
way, could you send me Rum Cake Recepe(I can spell that word). My
friend Smilesquid says it's funny) People haven't stopped reading the
Funnies. I told 100 of the kids at school about yer' site, and the
funnies after I brought a copy of almost every funny on your site( my
mom yelled at me for *wasting* printing paper), and then you had to go
and chuck the funnies. Are you mad? Those are histerical(I think
there's a Y in there somewhere, oh well). I love the Santa Clause,
Elevator, Mall, Druggy Cartoons, Stuff wit' nothing, Taco Hell, Couch.
Also your links to: Kill yourself ways, Big Button(I printed The
picture, and all 15 pages of comments. Don't worry, I still think you
are da' Bomb.
Have you seen Telletubbies on Channel 8, at 9 a.m. on weekends? It's
the coolest thing. ---R.

R.,

   Thanks for the high praise! I'm in the middle of Finals week here at OU, but as soon as I'm out I'll put up a note in the news, along with a link to a list of all my funnies (I've actually got about a hundred others that I could clean up and add to the funnies section that I've collected in the past year).
    The thing is, I'm limited in not only space here, but also in number of files. And having all my funnies up there (I think that's about 170 files) makes it impossible to add anything else to my page. :(
    Most of the old web page were written when I was a Junior in high school, which was over three years ago. My interests have changed a bit since then, and I'm starting to gear my page toward my interests. One of them is more professional (Biology), and the other is simply an obsession (baseball). I'm planning on updating a section on the spork page in a few weeks on the anatomy of a spork. It's going to be an in-depth anatomical analysis of a taco bell spork...look for it...should be really cool.
    Anyway, the funnies aren't that great of fit anymore. I'm really glad to hear that people enjoyed them. I'm attaching the recipe for rum cake to this message for you. :)
    Nope, I haven't...9am's awfully early to be awake on a weekend..<G> :) I might have to check them out sometime though.. :) I could set my VCR... :)                     ---Justin

E.D. Note: I have since this time re-established the Funnies Page, and I saw telletubbies on PBS. Scared the BeJesus out of me!! Every time that Kid in the Sun laughes, I FREAK OUT!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! ---Justin

May 25th, 1998

Dear Justin,

I am a fan of your web sight and admire your dedication to an important
aspect of our society. Thank you for enlightening us with your vast
knowledge on the matter of sporks. However, permit me to naievely ask what
the difference is between a spork and a spoon. My friend has used the term
spoon since the days of elementary cafeteria food. Please, once and for
all, settle this dispute! Thank you o king of sporks! --T.

T.,

Thanks for your message! I'm guessing you meant the difference between a spork and a foon... ? Obviously, the difference between a spork and a spoon is the presence of tines on the spork! However, the difference between a foon and a spork is more subtle.
    As I understand things, sporks are the typical name for an eating utensil that has the hollow depression of a spoon (in an upcoming article on spork anatomy, I'm planning on calling this the dorsal fossa), but has sharp projections from the anterior end know as tines.
    There is a process known as fooning, where one takes a rather flexible spork and pushes the dorsal fossa inside out. One can then use this rather unstable conformation to launch food-items about the room. I believe this inverted spork is known as a foon. For more info on fooning, check out this link:                 http://www.spork.org
                                                        ---Justin

May 15th, 1998

Dear Justin,

I work for the Corporate Office of Taco Mayo in Oklahoma City. I just wanted
to let you know I really enjoyed your article on Taco Mayo and all the
information on the spork.

I printed some of it and took it to the office with me. All the staff got a
pretty good laugh about the spork, or at least what I could print off on my
printer. All the staff, except for the marketing guy that is, I just think he
was jealous you got to the internet before he did.

Anyway, from an OU College of Business Alumni person (that would be me), keep
up the good work. ---S.

S.,

Hi, thanks for the high praise! Sorry I'm so late in responding... Finals...<sigh> Anyway, I'm glad to hear that you folks enjoyed the page. Obviously, it's there to amuse!

Nice to hear from an alumni... ---Justin

May 5th, 1998

Hello Justin, it is I. You page is cool, but I miss the Icons to tell you
what you were going to like the pic of the spork for the sporks, and the
skeleton for the funneys, and where are the funnys now? I miss em.
::whimper:: Oh well you page is still good. Even if it had a pic of a rubber
chicken I would still come back. Well I have to update my page now. ---S.G.

S.G.,

I'm really surprised, you're the second person who says they miss the funnies!

The funnies were taken down because, as I have a cheap-ass web account, I have *both* a file number and file space cap. I was well below the file space (by 2 megs!), but my file cap was just about maxed out. I couldn't do anything new to the page 'til they were gone. I still have all of them on disk, so what I might do is put up an order sheet where ya can send a letter to me listing the funny that you want, and I'd send it express Email to you... I'm still sorta deciding on that one. It'd be a temporary deal at best...

Glad to hear you still like the page. Most of the old page was written back when I was in high school. I made a few aesthetic changes last year, but nothing new had been added for quite some time. I decided that, as my interests had changed a lot since high school, I wanted to change my page to reflect those interests.. So gone are the funnies, the sucks list, the rituals, etc... :} Added are biology stuff and baseball...

Thanks for the feedback! I'll start looking for rubber chickens! ---Justin

April 14th, 1998

Dear Justin,

I am making a petition to have sporks in my school cafeteria, instead of
spoons, and forks. If you have any good reasons why this should take
place, E-mail me. ---R.

R.,

Let's see here...good reasons:

10. Economical. One simple, IMMACULATE plastic utensil can suffice for an UNNECESSARY two plastic utensils (the old spoon and fork).

9. Practicality. If they're good enough for the GUATAMALAN Military, they're good enough for your school!!

8. Environmental. The production of plastics, while RELATIVELY benine, uses various petrolium products, which are a LIMITED resource. By using a Spork instead of the unnecessary spoon and fork, your school is in effect helping to save the WORLD. (hey, it was EARTH week last week!)

7. Safety. Though the use of sporks is not entirely SAFE, it is by far safer than using those UGLY forks. Forks can penetrate far easier through the skin than can a SPORK, important for the more "special" people in your school.

6. Spiritual. Sometimes, students get mislead, discouraged, not SURE what to believe in. If SPORKS are around, they have something to BELIEVE in. Something to hold sacred.

5. Creativity. Sporks are INSPIRATIONAL! Just look at some of the poetry and other creative works that have been posted on the web! It's awe inspiring.

4. Artistic. Sporks make excellent art materials for all sorts of sculptures and three dimentional art. In addition, they make excellent clay-pattern-tools.

3. Pride. Your school can be PROUD to be on the "cutting edge" of plastic utensil technology. The future is NOW!

2. Effectiveness. Sporks are simply the best utensils to use while eating a wide variety of cafeteria foods, including, but not limited to, sMashed potatoes, vegetebles, hot dogs (bunless of course), and a wide variety of mexican foods.

1. Coolness. Sporks are just COOLER than other utensils. And we all know how important COOLNESS can be to a school's image. ---Justin

April 14th, 1998

Dear Justin,

My name is j.h., and I am the President of The Spork Fan Club.
We have over twenty members, but we need to get the word out to a national
level. That is where you come in. I would be honored to have such a great
lover of sporks in our club. If you joined, you would receive a free spork
in the mail. You would also receive our weekly newsletter on sporks. As
well as spork pictures, spork diagrams, spork creation theories, even spork
slideshows. It DOES NOT cost any money or anything like that to join.
Just Email me and tell me that you want in. Than you will automatically
receive all of the "Spork Mail" we have to give. If you don't want to join
(I Don't See Why You Wouldn't) please Email me to tell me that you don't
want to. Otherwise, I won't know if you are in or out and you may receive
mail that you don't want. ---j.h.

greetings and salutations. my name is b.c. and i am vice
president of the spork fan club. we would like you to join our spork fan
club. as a member you receive the weekly "Spork Newsletter" via e-mail.
and a complementary spork, but i'm sure you have enough of those. we
wanted to know if it would be possible for you to include us in your web
site. all you have to do is e-mail [omitted] and include
subscribe in the subject line. i hope to hear from you soon fellow spork
lover. ---b.c.

J. H. & B.C.,

Thanks for the letters.

I would be honored to become a member of your club! I've never actually been involved in a legitimate organization to honor sporks -- i've always sorta been freelance.. Thanks! and let me know what's up... ---Justin

March 4th, 1998

Dear Justin,

Hey, man. I would just like to say that your whole "sporks are godlike"
thing is awesome!! My hopefully soon-to-be boyfriend is sort of a spork
fanatic, and it brought tears to my eyes when I found that we were not
the only spork freaks in town. Thank You!
P.S. �Mi abuela Tortilla come cinco gatos todos los dias!
I Love Sporks
The Spork Chick

Spork Chick,

Nope, you're not the only one around! Stay strong! And try to get your abuela tortilla to cut down on the cat-o-mophagy. ---Justin

February 22nd, 1998

Dear Justin,

I am an announcer for WSHE in Orlando Florida. I would like to talk to
you on the air about sporks. I am on the air usually overnights but, I
always work 7P-12AM est on Saturdays and Sundays. Feel free to e mail
me if you are interested in introducing sporks to the radio audience.
---Sideshow Dan

Sideshow Dan,

Hi, thanks for your letter. Yes, I would be very interested in doing your show! Sounds like fun... Saturday or sunday evenings would be fine, just lemme know so I can make sure to be around.. :) What sorts of information would you need? ---Justin
Ed. Unfortunately, Sideshow Dan never replied to my message, nor did he give me a call. So, unfortunately, I never got my 15 minutes of stardom. But...it sure was a heck of a message to wake up to on a Sunday morning!

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