Sporks Are Godlike - Since October, 1995*

*It has come to my attention that some confusion may exist about this title.  The phrase "Since October, 1995" is meant to imply that this page has existed in one form or another since the above date.   Sporks, of course, have always been Godlike since the time they came into being (see below for theories).  Thanks to Chris for pointing this out! --J

[Anatomy][Letters][Awards]

*New* - The Anatomy of a Spork - An in depth review of the anatomy of a Taco Bell Spork.

Whether used as a marvelous eating utensil, a cult worship figure, or even decoration, the Spork has brought joy to countless lives. This page has been created in an effort to pay them the justice they deserve in Cyberspace.

Believe it or not, some people have actually given me awards for this page. Don't ask me why... :)

Where Do They Come From?

With the widespread use of sporks today, great thought has gone as to the origin of the spork. There are two primary theories:

The Creation Theory

During the middle of the 20th century, God finally completed his greatest inventional feat, the spork. After the first spork was created, God stepped back, looked at it and smiled, for saw that it was good. Delighted with his ingenuity, God embarked to produce them in mass quantities and give them to the people of the world, fulfilling the forgotten clause in his covenent with the peoples of Abraham. Thus, there are now billions of Sporks worldwide, to the satasfaction of all.

The Evolution Theory

By the time God made his invention of the spork, the people of the earth were already using forks, spoons, and knives. God realised that much of what he had already done for mankind was brought about gradually, making it easier for his peoples to adapt to the revolutionary changes. Therefore, he gradually guided the plastic-ware engineers of the world to make more spoonlike forks, and finally, by the mid-20th centry, the almighty design was complete. This design was called a Spork, and when God heard it, he was happy (wouldn't you be?).

Why Sporks Are So Great

(as if this needed to be said)

Very simply, Sporks are an everything-in-one eating utensil that makes eating our favorite foods all the easier! Without a Spork, we'd have to use up to THREE different utensils to eat a meal! Can you imagine?!? For those deprived few out there who do not know of the Spork's many abilities as a utensil, refer the the below diagram:

The Spork Cult Rituals

The Baptismal Ceremony of the Spork

Though all sporks have a certain cherishable quality to them, after baptism, a spork is truely a prominant entity, deserved of infinite respect. The ceremony does not require any particular setting, and only requires one prop: a glass of a supremely rated carbonated liquid known as Dr. Pepper. The ceremony entails dipping the spork in the Dr. Pepper and letting the fluid drain through the prongs while reciting the ancient ritual verse: "Ko-man-bow-ee-shee-nee orchie-livo-tangerinie oo-ee-mo-zoo-ie dunk." (emphasis on "dunk").

Treatment of Sporks

Sporks are delicate items, and so the baptized spork must be treated with care. Sporks should never touch the ground, or likewise be placed in a situation of danger or filth. If for some reason they do get dirty, a proper washing ceremony should be conducted within a week of the tainting. Washing should be done in a carbonated drink of some type, preferably Dr. Pepper, but not necessarily. Mountain Dew, Coca-Cola, or even (gasp) Mellow Yellow will suffice. The spork should be dipped head first into the liquid, twisted 180 degrees thrice, and then removed and dipped into water.

Burial of a Broken Spork

If a spork is damaged, it should be given a proper burial. One must return to the site of aquisition of the spork and complete the ceremony. Pour vinegar oil all across the spork, making certain that the entire spork is covered with oil. Quickly, as soon as the drenching is completed, the spork must be buried and covered next to the foundation of the establishment of aquisition. No ceremonial verses are necessary, as it tends to be an emotional time for those involved.

The Planetary Defense Strategy

There has always been a constant threat of mal-intensioned extra-terrestrials landing on planet earth (Mars Attacks?). With the invention of the spork comes a way to combat this horrendous threat. If all the sporks in the world were gathered into this really big pot, and a fire was started below it, the essense of all the sporks would melt into a hot broth of spork. Then, if we got this really big spork mold, and poured all the spork broth into the mold, we could form a really big spork. Then, by elevating the spork into the sky (this spork would have to be really big, so it could be seen from outer space), standing it on its handle, it would be a floating billboard demonstrating our technological achievements. The aliens would then look at it and say, "Hey! They've got a really big spork!!", and would withdraw the attack. After all, it is a well known fact through the universe that civilizations with the ability to eat salad, soup, and meat with the same utensil are worthy of a peaceful existence. And then they wouldn't attack us.

Uses of Sporks

I have created a new page for the uses of sporks which you can submit your suggestions to and have them appear on automatically!  Click here to go there!

Places to Get Sporks

Last updated: 12/9/97

  • Various blessed school cafeterias (many, many people)
  • The Guatamalan Military issuses them as standard equipment (m007248@nadn.navy.mil)
  • Taco Bell
  • Rally's
  • Kentucky Fried Chicken
  • Popeye's Fried Chicken
  • Toronto Eaton's Center Food Court (bignell@io.org)
  • Taylor's Fish Bar (mapdn@csv.warwick.ac.uk)
  • Plate Lunch Places in Hawaii (macpro@lava.net)
  • Bojanges (alucas@sunbelt.net)
  • Taco Mayo (robertw@fullnet.net)
  • Cumberland Farms New England
  • Your Local 7-11 retail market (Gr2frye@aol.com)
  • Lee's Dragon Chinese (warren@ccse.net)
  • Tom Thumb (colomid@flash.net)
  • COSI - Ohio's Center of Science and Industry Cafeteria (nbellomy@mc2-csr.com)
  • Syracuse, Kansas Love's Convenience Store, located at the intersection of Highway 50 and Johnson St., 2 blocks east of the only stoplight in town (LarryH@TCHMAIL01.TCHDEN.ORG)
  • Kona's Sandwiches (spaceace2@geocities.com)
  • Pucker Belly Bobs Cajen Cuisine (spaceace2@geocities.com)
  • Bob's Meat Shack (jshib@travelin.com)
  • Food Lion (mudhouse@mudhouse.com)
  • QuickTrip Convenience Stores (severson@umr.edu)
  • Chick-Filet's (KMCCORV@wpo.hcc.com)
  • Chester Fried Chicken (Weevils@aol.com)
  • Boler Bump Ski Hill in London Canada (ringoffspring@geocities.com)
  • Many Pre-Packaged Meals (VMFZ36A@prodigy.com)
  • Hardee's (student@mankato.msus.edu)
  • yokihoma rice bowl (guschavez@hotmail.com)
  • Pima County Adult Detention Center - Tucson, Arizona
  • El Pollo Loco
  • Jail (turtle#nospam@fred.net) - I'll take his word for it! --J
  • Lee's Famous Recipie Chicken (cyborpunk@mindless.com)
  • Beau Schott's House of Chicken in Spokane, Washington (tamaki@ewa.net)
  • Wang's Chinese in Arizona (kycat@goodnet.com)
  • "Use of Spork, Luke!" (SporkGod1@aol.com)
  • Kenny Rodgers Roaster's (lkover0@pop.uky.edu)
  • Castles and Coasters (SporkQ@aol.com)
  • Boston Market (stevekos@localnet.com)

If you know of other places to get sporks, please let me know:

Please note: I'm a lazy bastard, so the chances of your submission actually appearing on this page within the next decade are slim to none.  Thanks for your understanding! :)

For more info on sporks...

and don't forget, I actually do have a "normal" web page...  Click here to see it!

Copyright © 1995-1999  Justin W. Merry  All Rights Reserved