Studying our own personal relationships can be insightful and healthy.  Understanding why we are 
attracted to one person and not another tells us a lot about ourselves and our own motivations. 
This chapter reviews current literature on how interpersonal relationships develop, mature, and
sometimes end. Starting and ending relationships is stressful. Learning what happens during those
times can prepare us to be effective communicators even under stressful conditions. We suggest 
that students identify a relationship they are in and use that relationship as an example through-
out the reading of the chapter. How many of these concepts actually apply to that relationship?
--Dr. Sue DeWine, Author


Chapter 6: Building,  Maintaining, and Ending Interpersonal Relationships

Chapter Outline

Interpersonal communication is exchange between two persons who are in some way connected.
Interpersonal relationships have life cycles. Parks has identified six factors that influence the life cycle.

• Interdependence means the two persons have separate identities and interests at the same time that they enjoy each other's company and care about each other's happiness.
  
• Variety and breadth of interaction change during a relationship.
  
• Depth or intimacy, of interaction means there is more self-disclosure over time.
  
• Commitment means the two people expect the relationship to continue.
  
• Predictability and understanding increase as the two people spend more time together.
  
• Communicative code change takes place when the two people know each other so well they can finish each other's sentences and have a private language.

I. The Initiation Stage of a Relationship

• "Pick up" lines to start a conversation can range from sincere to foolish.
  
• Phatic communication is a scanning process of superficial conversation in which we determine whether a relationship will develop.
  
• Relationships generally begin because of proximity (proxemics). Couples who live at a distance must work very hard to maintain a relationship.
  
• Networking is asking friends about a person you want to meet or know more about.
  
• Similarity of beliefs and values increases two people's liking each other. Liking also increases if it is reciprocal.
  
• Physical attraction is important.
  
• Four requirements for a more permanent relationship are
  
  • Self-disclosure by both participants.
    
  • Positive interpersonal perceptions.
    
  • Sharing information about each other's self-concepts.
    
  • Predictions made and fulfilled about desired responses from the other person.
    
• Shared expectations help maintain the relationship.

II. Maintenance of the Relationship

1. A Feeling of Trust
   • We feel confident that sharing information will not result in harm.
   • We open ourselves for criticism as a result of sharing.
     
     
2. Support for the Relationship
   Relationship networks with friends and family of the other person help preserve the relationship between two people.
   
   
3. Messages Sent, Messages Received
   
   • Confirming messages help maintain the relationship.
     
   • Disconfirming messages damage our self-esteem. We need to learn how to cope with them and not to send them to others.
     
     
4. Interpersonal Needs
   1. Shultz identified three interpersonal needs that will determine how long an interpersonal relationship will last.
      1. Inclusion. The more we want to be part of other people's lives, the more likely we are to maintain a relationship.
         
      2. Control. If one person needs to make decisions more than the other person does, the relationship is more likely to continue than if both want to dominate or both refuse to decide.
         
      3. Affection. If both people have similar needs for affection and its expression, their relationship is more likely to continue.
         
         
   2. O'Hair et. al. say love is made up of three components.
      
   • Intimacy is emotional connection.
     
   • Passion is physical attraction.
     
   • Commitment is decision to continue the relationship.
     
     
5. Patterns and Expectations in a Relationship
   1. Relationships are of three kinds depending on their pattern of interaction.
      
   • Complementary. One person dominates.
     
   • Symmetrical. Two partners are equal in making decisions.
     
   • Parallel. Partners alternate in making decisions.
     
     
   2. The most important skill to have in a successful relationship is behavioral flexibility, or the ability to adapt our communication style to a particular situation.
      
      
   3. Also important is having realistic expectations.
      
      
   4. Relationships depend on exchange theory, the idea that each person desires to get the idea that each person desires to get the most pleasure and the least pain from other person.

III. Termination of Relationships

Many factors contribute to the end of a relationship.

1. Exchange theory: People are getting less pleasure and more pain.
   
2. Shifting networks: Members withdraw.
   
3. More facework: Each person tries to preserve his or her self-esteem and in the process loses trust in the other.

Some relationships end in divorce. If there are children, some form of relationship will continue to provide for them. Graham has identified eight kinds of post divorce relationships:

1. A well-functioning bionuclear family in which both parents work for a successful divorce.
   
2. A dysfunctional relationship, in which the former spouses are in conflict.
   
3. Life-improving events, such as returning to school or gaining financial stability.
   
4. Major life change, such as remarriage of either former spouse.
   
5. Parent-child problems.
   
6. Emotional divorce, when the former spouses realize there is no future in the relationship and "let it go."
   
7. Relocation, when one person moves away.
   
8. Personal hardship such as health or financial problems.

Duck identified four factors indicating the need for repair:

1. A significant inconsistency exists between the way outsiders see the relationship and the way at least one partner sees it.
   
2. Obstacles block a shift from one stage to the next.
   
3. Partners have different definitions of the relationship and different expectations.
   
4. The definition of the relationship is very different from the way partners behave.

O'Hair et al. suggested nine steps for repair:

1. Reduce turbulence in interaction.
   
2. Improve communication.
   
3. Bring out the partner's positive side.
   
4. Focus on the positive aspects of the relationship.
   
5. Reinterpret the partner's behavior as well-intentioned.
   
6. Reduce negativity toward the partner.
   
7. Reevaluate alternative relationships and partners.
   
8. Enlist support for the relationship.
   
9. Obtain help to correct or end it.

IV. Family Communication

A family today is a group of people sharing living space and committed to supporting one another psychologically and financially.

Families share the following characteristics:

• Defined roles.
• Commitment.
  
• Responsibilities.
  
  • A shared history.

1. Degree of Shared Attitudes
   The higher the degree of shared attitudes, the stronger the family.
   
   1. Conformity orientation is the degree to which the family maintains an environment that stresses shared attitudes and values.
      
   2. Conversion orientation is the degree to which the family encourages members to state their opinions and show emotion.
      
      
2. Conflicts in Families
   
   1. Conflict can emerge for many reasons.
      
      • One person does not meet another's expectations of intimacy.
        
      • One person has intimacies outside the primary relationship.
        
      • Expectations of behavior are undefined.
        
      • Financial difficulties cause problems.
        
        
   2. Children can learn how to handle conflict by watching adult role models. There are four approaches.
      
      • Confronting the other person.
        
      • Seeking the help of a third party.
        
      • Ignoring conflict.
        
      • Treating others with kindness.

       

     
Activity



Helpful Links!

"Gender Relationships"--Tons of great links that expand on gender communication in a relationship.


"Friend Relationships"--Like the site on gender this site's focuses on the different aspects of friendship.


At Your Bookstore

Alberti, R.E. (1995).  Your Pervect Right:  A Guide to Assertive Living (7th ed.).
     San Luis Obispo, CA:  Impact.
Anderson, K. (1997).  Friendships that Run Deep:  7 Ways to Build Lasting
     Relationships.  Downer's Grove: IL.:  Intervarsity Press.
Canary, D.J., & Stafford, L. (1996).  Communication and Relational Mainte-
     nance.  San Diego:  Academic Press.
Nardi, P.M. (Ed.), (1992).  Men's Friendships.  Newbury Park, CA:  Sage.