22 August 2001-- And so it begins. I went to my new ob today. His name is Dr. Ramey and he is from here in Athens. I liked him and found him to be considerate about my questions and concerns. He told me that he thought I should not even attempt VBAC because he felt that the risks were many, including uterine rupture. I was really hoping that I could have the next baby vaginally. I know that I should be grateful that I get the possibility of having a baby at all, but my first child (now deceased) was born vaginally and it is an experience that I want to go through again. I was robbed of that with Nicholas, and it is a shame that the cut was so good that my doc doesn't think I should attempt it.

We also discussed Dr. Glueck's suggestion that I use Lovenox throughout the pregnancy because I tested high for Factor VIII (163 and normal is <150). He didn't seem to like it much, but he was open minded about it and is sending me to a fetal medicine specialist next week. I hope it goes well.

Overall, I think that the appointment went well. He seems to know alot more than my first ob (I will get into that later), so it was a relief to find him here in Athens.

28 August 2001-- I just got back from seeing the perinatologist in Columbus. His name is Dr. Philip Samuels and he was really good. He is intelligent and compassionate and took the time to answer all of my questions. I have not met a doctor that I liked so much right away. He is interesting in comparision to Dr. Glueck. He knows as much as Glueck does (maybe more about this issue!), but he is not as gruff. I like Dr. Glueck, but Dr. Samuels just seemed to be easy going and down-to-earth--my kind of guy.

He told me that he thinks that taking a maintenenace dose of Lovenox will be good. There are risks to using it, though. The main one is bone loss and another is hemorhaging if I get into a serious accident. Why does it have to be so hard???

Dr. Samuels is retesting me for many of the clotting disorders that Dr. Glueck did and I will be getting those results back in a week to ten days. It will be interesting with what turns up in those results.

Dr. Samuels had a different take on VBAC than Dr. Ramey. He said that from an obstetric point of view, he had no problem with it. There are, however, many problems. If I attempt VBAC and something goes wrong, then I will have to be put to sleep for the C-section. I don't want to be put to sleep!!! After what happened toNicholas, the fear of falling asleep seems so great. On the hand, if I have a planned C-section, then I can be off of the Lovenox for 48 hours and I can have a local anesthesia. Sigh. . . What to do??

29 August 2001-- It's official! We are ttc now. It was a nervous and exciting first time trying, but it is really what we want. There are so many things that could go wrong. I am really nervous, but just to have little arms and legs to stick through all of those clothes in the baby's room will make all of it worth it. I miss Nicholas so much. I think about him nearly everyday. I am still crushed when I see a pregnant woman, and seeing little babies is just horrible. It really hurts so badly. I hope that things go as well with this ttc session as it did with the last. We were pregnant on the first try with metformin. I hope that that is true again.

I have lost 47 lbs since March. I swim 5 days a week, two hours a day. I feel better than I have in years! Let the sun shine on this try. I want a baby so badly!

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