You know it's going to be a bad day when...

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:

There's always one more bug.

Paul's Law:

You can't fall off the floor.

First Law of Bicycling:

No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.

Weinberg's Second Law:

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Parker's Law:

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Hartley's First Law:

You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.

Somebody ought to cross ballpoint pens with coat hangers so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.

While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his.

You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.

-- J. D. Salinger

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?

Those who can't write, write manuals.

Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes...

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think

Those of you who think you know everything, annoy the hell out of us who do.

You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

The brain is a wonderful organ: it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and

does not stop until you get to school.

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.

Main's Law:

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Pohl's Law:

Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

If you don't care where you are, then you aren't lost.

Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

Scott's First Law:

No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

-- W. Somerset Maugham

It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.

Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

-- J. Paul Getty

If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

-- Frank Lloyd Wright

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Armadillo:

To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.

Micro Credo:

Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above-average drivers.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Misfortune:

The kind of fortune that never misses.

Frisbeetarianism:

The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

Ginsberg's Theorem:

1. You can't win.

2. You can't break even.

3. You can't even quit the game.

Iron Law of Distribution:

Them that has, gets.

Boob's Law:

You always find something in the last place you look.

Weiler's Law:

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Hartley's Second Law:

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

-- Mark Twain

Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.

Yield to temptation....it may not pass your way again.

-- Lazarus Long

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

-- Mark Twain

Blessed are they who Go Around in Little Circles, for they Shall be Known as Big Wheels.

There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy...

-- Ambrose Bierce

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

I really hate this damned machine.

I wish that they would sell it.

It never does quite what I want,

But only what I tell it.

Things are more like they used to be than they are now

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