Life With Groucho
By David Bruce
Life With Groucho, by Arthur Marx. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1954. PN/2287/M53/M3. 302 pages.
Life With Groucho is a combination biography (of Groucho Marx) and autobiography by Groucho's son, Arthur Marx. Arthur Marx, by the way, was named after Harpo. Groucho's real name, until he legally had it changed, was Julius.
The main reason to read this book is for the humor. (Of course, one can also learn something about Groucho's life.) And the book is filled with humor, being a kind of co-production between Arthur and Groucho. Apparently, Arthur wrote the book, then Groucho went through it and added his own comic remarks, which appear as footnotes.
For example, Arthur writes after talking about Groucho's frequent purchase of annuities as protection for his old age: "If I've given you the impression that Father is a miser, I'd like to correct that notion at once.* He isn't. On the contrary, he's one of the most generous men I've ever known."**
"* You'd better, or I'll cut you off without a nickel.—Groucho
"** Now you're talking.—Groucho."
You may wonder whether Groucho wrote these remarks himself. It's difficult to tell when you're dealing with celebrities (I understand that many of Eddie Cantor's books and magazine articles were ghosted by a comedy writer he hired), but there is some evidence that Groucho did write much of his own material. Arthur writes:
"Today he's one of the few entertainers I know who doesn't have to have his articles 'ghosted,' but because he's in such a high income-tax bracket, it's almost impossible to get him to write anything."
Please note the negative results of a high income tax. I hope conservative commentator Mona Charen never reads this book. But then, income tax rates for the rich are much lowe r— courtesy of Ronald Reagan — today than they were in Groucho's day, so if he were alive today, presumably he would keep himself busy writing humorous articles.
Groucho is known for his sarcastic humor; he always seemed ready to insult the rich — both on the screen and in real life. Part of this may have stemmed from his impoverished childhood. Although Groucho said that the family never went hungry — well, "too hungry" — he remembers a time when he wanted the last sweet roll at dinner:
"It was the last one on the platter and all through dinner, I had been eying it hungrily and trying to work up the nerve to reach for it. Finally, when I thought the other boys weren't looking, I stealthily slid my hand along the table and up onto the platter. But just as I did, Harpo picked up a meat cleaver, which he obviously had been saving for this purpose, and brought it down viciously in the general direction of my hand."
Fortunately, Groucho avoided injury, but it's no wonder that he devoured Horatio Alger books as he grew through childhood. Unfortunately, these books misled Groucho about the nature of rich people. Groucho is quoted as saying:
"When I was a very young boy, I used to think that if you were very nice to rich people they would take a shine to you and give you fabulous presents, like a Cadillac or a house on the French Riviera. But as I journeyed through life I discovered that rich people give you nothing — that's why they're so rich."
At a party once, a rich woman imperiously gestured at Groucho and said, "Come here — you. I want to talk to you." This rankled on Groucho's nerves, so he said, "Who are you to speak to anyone in that tone? You've got a nerve." "I'm Mrs. Vanderbilt," the woman replied. "Oh, I know you," Groucho said. "They named some alley in New York after you."
Another dealing with a rich woman occurred during World War II. Since so many men were away fighting, Groucho was forced to do his own gardening. A rich woman saw him, assumed he was a real gardener, and decided to try to entice him away from the family that had hired him. She stopped her car and asked, "Oh, gardener — how much do you get a month?" To which Groucho replied, "Oh, I don't get paid in dollars — the lady of the house lets me sleep with her." This was the truth, by the way, since Groucho was married at the time.
As you can see, much humor is at the expense of someone. If that someone deserves the rebuke, the humor is funny. One reason I don't like some comedy movies aimed at teenagers today is that I think the objects of ridicule are instead worthy of respect. One target that I think is worthy of ridicule is charlatans who rip off people by making them think the charlatan is in touch with the deceased.
Groucho once attended a seance run by the mysterious Narobi, who claimed to be able to get in touch with spirits such as that of George Washington. Once Narobi entered the spiritual world, she would allow members of the audience to ask questions of the dead. Think of it! What would you ask Homer, or Lincoln, or Napoleon? Groucho's hand shot up, and he was allowed to ask his question: "Narobi, what's the capital of North Dakota?"
In addition to these anecdotes, there are many glimpses of the private Groucho, and it's fun to see what Groucho considered to be a good time: "I'm a born hermit. My idea of a good time is to lock myself in my room with a big Havana and read the New Yorker."
By the way, the private Groucho was as funny as the public Groucho. His first wedding was like a scene out of a Marx Brothers movie, what with Harpo hiding behind a potted pot and making it appear to be walking around the room. When the minister said, "We are gathered here in holy matrimony," Groucho's response was, "It may be holy to you, Reverend, but we have other ideas." And when the minister asked, "Do you, Julius, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?," Groucho replied, "Well, we've gone this far. We might as well go through with it."
Life With Groucho is a fun book, and it is in general well-written. (Arthur Marx wrote novels and screenplays as well as two books about his father.) However, there is one passage of unintentional humor I wish to quote. Arthur quotes his father asking a question on You Bet Your Life: "During World War II, Hitler and Mussolini had a favorite meeting place where they met and discussed strategy. For four thousand five hundred dollars, what is the name of that place?" Then Arthur writes, "It wasn't a very difficult question for anyone who knew that it was Brenner Pass," to which I can only say, "Well, duh."
Look for Life With Groucho in your local library, and if it isn't there, don't forget why Interlibrary Loan was invented.